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Patti's Perspective

How to Get Over a Break-Up

Break-ups are painful-- No question about it. Some take weeks and others can take years to get over, depending on the depths of the feelings behind them. As hard as it may be to believe, there are ways of recovering. There is a method to help you cope during this traumatic time which I refer to as the "RRRR's" coping guide to recovering. You're saying and thinking rrrrr, so I suggest using that to your advantage.

RRRR's Coping Guide to Recovering is:

Realize...Reflect...Re-direct...Re-Invent

Getting over a break-up is essentially the same grieving process as a recovering from a death of a significant person or pet...

Based on theory by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, the first stage is denial. "This isn't really happening, we're just on a break." This is the time to really reflect on the true nature and gravity of the situation. It's what you will do naturally. Suddenly, you begin to realize what has really gone on in the situation.

The next stage is anger. You get mad! You want to get even! This is when you do something that you know you are going to regret later. Please be careful with this stage, I know people that have really lashed out. Things tend to heat up enormously out of anger and revenge. Police yourself and your emotions during this time. Realize this is part of the process and you need to re-direct your thinking. This is the time to stop, breathe, count to ten and pick up knitting needles to keep your mind off of what you would really like to do the person.

Bargaining is the third stage. You say to yourself, "if they will just change this one thing, or if I just change this about myself, everything will be okay and we will get back together". This is not going to happen and soon enough you realize that as well. The person is not going to stop cheating on you, it is a way of life for them, and there is nothing you can do about it. You know that you cannot control someone else's behavior; you can only change your own.

This is a good time for you when you really look at it. You can reflect and re-direct what you are willing to put up with and what you''e not. You now know things about yourself that you didn't realize before. You can turn lemons into lemonade if you're currently in this situation. Personally, I think this is the best stage because you take something out of the situation that you will use later on in your life. For example, the woman spent all of her money on shoes and ran up her credit cards, so now this is something that you can be on the look out for and with good reason. You're being responsible and you don't want your credit rating to slip. It probably would have had you continued this relationship. When you can look at it in this type of light, you are making progress.

One of the most difficult stages is depression. This is the stage that typically lasts the longest. The strongest reflection is happening here. You think to yourself, 'I'm never going to find anyone again". That is more common than you realize right now. Yes, you will find someone again, if you keep yourself busy and try as hard as you can to get out of the house. This is the time to really try to get lost in something new. It's difficult because it's easier to do nothing at all. You want to cry, you want to feel sorry for yourself. You need to fight it. What a great time to re-invent yourself! Attitude is everything.

Finally, acceptance is the last stage of getting over your break-up. You have realized that it's over and you've surrendered to it. This is not to say that your mind is open enough to accept a new love. But it is a time when you can start enjoying your single hood again understand that life is cyclical. Just like you fell in love that first time, you will again.

Will it be the same? No. There are no two relationships that are ever the same. It will be different but who knows? My guess is that the next relationship will be better and healthier for you all the way around. You've learned now and maybe you're defenses will be up a little but think of the new opportunities that await you.

Getting over a break-up will never be easy just as getting over a death will never be either. We still remember those people that are gone and we will always remember loves that are lost.

You know the saying and it seems so trite. Better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all.

Think of how lucky you are that you had this opportunity to feel such emotion. Take this experience and capitalize on it. You can get over your break up; you just have to try a little.

Surround yourself with people that love you or throw yourself into that new hobby. My suggestion is that you take each of the stages, try to figure out which one you're in at the moment. Then, according to the stage, make a plan for yourself. If you are in the acceptance stage do something tangible to acknowledge that you understand what is happening to you but you are controlling the situation. Get a fresh new haircut by a great stylist. Do something in each stage to make yourself feel a little bit better.

This is about you and only you. You're allowed to be somewhat indulgent when you're getting over a break up. It's time to splurge on that new jacket that you've been eyeing, re-defining your life goals and reflecting in a positive way. Re-direct your thinking. Each time you start thinking about it in your head, take a moment to breathe deeply, count to 10 very slowly and then go amuse yourself with an activity. It can even be knitting a scarf for your cat or changing the oil in your car for a man. Self re-direction is a very positive energy that you can control and that is the single best way to get over your break up.

This too, takes enormous self control and will power. May the break up powers be with you... There are four R's in breaking up, realize, re-invent yourself, reflect, and re-direct.

If that doesn't work for you, stop and remember one thing, this too shall pass.